The Saga Continues...

Well, here we are at the end of July.  Life has been relatively crazy lately...though you'd think I'd be used to that by now.

Our trip to Colorado was lovely.  Sadly, the job opportunity didn't work out.  I was waiting to hear back from a reference and he emailed me as we were on the plane back to Ohio.  It was around midnight, so I figured I'd finish my application first thing in the morning.  When I got online to finish it, the position had closed.  I was pretty bummed about it, but at least it was obvious that God was closing that door.  I'm still considering heading out there at some point, but I'll have to keep an eye out for different opportunities.

I've been thinking recently how I wish that I could go back and speak to myself when I was younger.  There are so many things that I would never have believed and/ or might liked to have been prepared for.  I'd say, "You'll never believe me, but you survive.  You'll survive to graduate high school and even college.  Your anxiety will continue to be a daily struggle, but you will endure.  You'll take chances you cannot begin to imagine at this moment.  You will push yourself beyond what you think you can do and will see some amazing things.  Yeah...Europe happens.  Always hope.  In 12 to 14 years, you'll go out with all those guys you have crazy crushes on right now.  Don't even worry about it...they're REALLY not that cool.  You'll even go on a "hot date" with the one you're "MADLY in love" with, though it'll be as his fruit fly, as he doesn't actually like girls.  Be true to yourself and always set Christ first...it's only when your eyes move from Him that things get complicated.  Cancer is coming later, but it's doable.  Again, keep your focus on the One who can heal you.  Those people who made fun of you in school for your faith come to find the love of Jesus and thank you for the stand you made.  You end up working with kids...weird, I know.  As difficult as it is/has been, try not to take life for granted...we only have this one and it goes by quickly.  Keep moving forward.  Breathe."

I'm sure there are a million more things I'd say to me, but those are just things that flowed to my fingers at the moment. 

I'm back living in Painesville again.  I go home much more frequently than I did when I was living in the other house.  I guess I get kind of lonely.  It's funny though...the kids come and visit me in the basement all the time.  I wonder when kids are going to stop thinking I'm cool.  Right now, all the school aged kids are calling me mommy.  I took them on a field trip one day and I was the only teacher, so they began pretending I was their mom.  It stuck.  They still call me mom and hug me every day, even though I'm not their teacher right now.

This past Sunday night was a sad night for me.  Star (at Playhouse Square) closed.  It's sort of the end of an era.  My very first real job was working there.  I got my license so that I could work there.  I remember going to watch 42nd Street with my friend Amy and she asked if I had ever been there.  She said they had the most delicious brie.  We went after the show and sat at a little 2 top right in front of the piano.  Michael was playing that night.  I kept saying that I'd love to sing in a place like that.  Amy ended up asking Michael if I could sing.  He said sure, but I was terrified.  It took me a bit, but I finally got up there and sang Over the Rainbow.  It was such a wonderful feeling.  Afterward, there were two guys sitting at the table nearest to us who were in the cast of 42nd Street and they told me what a marvelous job I did.  I was flattered beyond belief.  Michael came up to me later and said he initially thought I was in the show and that's why he had said I was welcome to sing, but since I wasn't I should apply for a job there.  I ended up doing just that.  I had such a hard time there to be honest.  I was an 18 year old in her first job and I was a small town girl in the city.  I didn't fit in at all.  I was naive  and innocent and people tried to take advantage of that.  I remember one of my managers talking about my deer in the headlights look during one of my first shifts.  It didn't help that the woman training me was terribly mean and one of the female bartenders had it out for me.  That being said, I met so many friends and have a crazy amount of GREAT memories attached to that place.  One day I should sit and write them out, but there are so many.  My favorite one had to be the night that the See Spot Rock concert was at the Palace Theatre.  I went alone, but decided I was talking to all the bands afterward and inviting them to come and have dessert.  I got the phone numbers of the guys in Gritz and they asked me if I wanted to come hang with them at their hotel instead.  So I went to Star to pick up some desserts to go and ended up hanging out with some of the crew members for a bit and then headed over to the hotel.  We all hung out on the tour bus for a long time, talking about all the demos that get submitted to them all the time.  In the wee hours of the morning, I decided that it was time for me to go and I was almost to the freeway when I got a call and they asked me to turn around and hang out a little longer.  Reluctantly, I went back.  I mean, how frequently did I get to hang out on tour buses?  So, I went back and they said they were in the hotel room.  We ended up watching Soul Train and something on Animal Planet with crazy alligators.  It was the most ridiculous time.  I drove home as the sun was rising and picked up McDonalds for breakfast when I got into Geneva and then went to bed, thinking of how random the night was and I would never have imagined that happening.  At some point, I misplaced their contact info...which is too bad, but it's still a fun memory that I have.

Anyway, Charlie and I went at 4 o'clock to have dinner and sat reminiscing about old times.  John and Michael were both there, so we had some lovely accompaniment.  I was the only real vocalist there, so I was asked to sing over and over again.  It's not something I was anticipating, but I was so happy after doing it.  I was able to sing the first song I ever sang there one last time.  I was also asked to sing I Dreamed A Dream, In My Own Little Corner and For Good.  What an incredibly awesome experience.  They haven't had singers there for a couple of years, so the mics weren't really working.  I ended up using the piano mic and I felt like an old school diva, like Ella Fitzgerald or Nina Simone.  Charlie and I did our old Sunday night schedule and went to Union Station afterwards for showtunes (which we ended up being late for).  We ended up going to this little place down the road and around the corner from that was this little store that his friend owns.  Charlie told me that I needed some bling and he bought me a necklace and earrings.  We ended up coming back later so that he could buy himself a ring, and after I helped him find one he liked, he said I needed one, too.  I said no, but he found one for me anyway and we took pictures with out hands together like in a wedding photo.  I have a problem where I'm not able to form memories the right way.  I read that it's a common occurrence in people who were in abusive and traumatic situations as children.  Anyway, I have a tendency to not necessarily forget things, but never form the memories of them.  I hope that this particular evening is a memory that I'll get to keep.

As far as God is concerned, I keep getting these verses over and over again.  I have no idea what God is trying to tell me, but obviously there is something there.  Over and over again, I've gotten Romans 8:28, which is, "We know that all things work together for good to those who love Him..."  Then, there's Matthew 7:7 which is, "Ask, and it will be given to you..." and then there is Romans 12:5, "So in Christ, we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."

So...God is obviously saying something.  I'm just not sure how all of those pieces are supposed to fit together exactly.  He'll make me aware in His timing.  He always does.  At least He's speaking.  It's when things are totally silent that I get REALLY frustrated.  I suppose that's enough for now.  I've done enough rambling for one day.

Song of the day: In My Own Little Corner

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojNMRcZTt7I

Bucket List

Mom and I are currently in Colorado.  She's out at her 40th reunion right now.  I'm really proud of her.  I'm glad that we've been able to come out and just hang.  It's been nice to see her laugh so much and just have a good time.  We've had some late nights and done lots of new things.  I can safely say that I've crossed a few things off of my bucket list.  I finally was able to do some shooting.  Apparently I suck at the semi-automatics, but I'm really great with the big guns.  I was fabulous with the rifle and the shotgun.  I took pictures of my targets, so that I could document my awesomeness. :)

I've taken lots of pictures of the beautiful scenery, family, people shooting guns and riding horses...and somehow...I'll wish that I still had more documentation.  We only have two full days left.  It's hard to believe that we've already been here as long as we have.  We've met so many great people.  I received lots of business cards.  I can't wait to get in touch with these people later down the road.

Today I spent the afternoon with my two cousins, Andrea and Jessica.  We had so many laughs today.  It was so lovely to get out of the house and have a little girl time.  We got a pizza from this awesome place where they throw it together, but you take it and bake it at home.  It had chicken, spinach, sun dried tomatoes and maybe Feta cheese.  We also had cheesy breadsticks and the guy at the register gave us a free smores pizza and took a few dollars off of the order.  I guess he liked our vibrant personalities. :)  We went back and spent some time at their house.  Logan was hilarious.  He kept playing with my phone and giggling uncontrollably.  He said, "Let's lay down together."  Too cute.

We got back just in time to show mom off to her reunion.  It was so sweet.  I was playing mom.  I took pictures of mom and Vicki in their dresses and told mom before she left, "Behave.  You have my number if you need me.  Don't get back too late!"  Yeah, we're silly.

There are so many fires here in Colorado right now.  It's terrible.  Today it was 104 degrees.  That is so not helping anything.  Prayer is so needed right now for many areas out here.  The winds are high, and it's hot and dry right now.  Never good. 

There's a small (very small) chance that I may end up coming back to CO permanently.  I think that would be really good for me right now.  I've enjoyed working with the youth pastor and music minister of Calvary Baptist Church.  I don't really think that I'd be attending church there if I did move here, but I can see myself hanging with some of the young people from there.  I'm not sure how to pray right now, but I know that God has opened a door and all I can do is try to go through it.  If it's not where He wants me, He'll close it.


So let's see...what have I accomplished for the bucket list since I've been here?
*Shot a 38special
*Shot a 380
*Shot a rifle (very well)
*Shot a shotgun (also very well)
*Experienced my first drive in food place.  Sonic
*Experienced Menchies for the first time.  Delish frozen yogurt
Not really a bucket list thing, but mom and I have done some things we wouldn't normally do and made ourselves be brave.  I'm so proud of both of us for that.  We're trying to stretch ourselves and I think we're going to be better women because of it.

Since I doubt that I'll be blogging tomorrow or Monday, I'm going to add my song of the day as the one that I'm doing as a solo in church tomorrow.  I find that given the situation with the fires, with all of the anxiety I've had on this trip, and with the way that God seems to want me to keep pushing myself, this song is highly appropriate.

Song of the Day: Peace Be Still
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He3sRNPXBsI

Verse of the Day: Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

Let's Go Back a Bit

There was a long time in there where I wasn't writing anything.  The reason for that lies in the fact that everything I could think to write was so depressing.  We've always been taught that when you have nothing nice to say, you don't say anything...I figured the same would go with "Debbie Downer" blog posts.  (Insert Debbie Downer sound here* Wah Waaah)

God has been allowing the waters to get really choppy these days and I'm still trying to figure out the lessons that I'm supposed to be learning during this particular season.  I really hope I figure them out before I have a serious mental breakdown.  He has still allowed me to do some really great things during this time as well, but it's been such a struggle to enjoy it.  It's been more reminiscent of the days when I couldn't leave the house because of the anxiety and/or depression.  Last September I had a BAD case of the stomach flu and things just haven't been right in my head since then.

 That being said, I made it through Mid Ohio Comic Con in October, which had LOTS of super cool moments and I seriously hope to be there again this September.  I was able to pull  together a costume in a short amount of time and went as the comic book (not the movie) version of Black Widow.  I was terrified, but tons of people ended up asking me for my photo.  I'm thinking this year we need to charge.  :)

The end of December through the first of the year I was in New York City.  Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, we weren't able to be in Times Square when the ball dropped, but part of me thinks that was for the better.  We did have some really interesting experiences that night, including a fire alarm being pulled at 2 am and some scary screaming and stuff happening around 4am.  The trip included a HUGELY EPIC performance of Rock of Ages.  I do not have enough great things to say about that particular cast and performance.  We also saw Addams Family the musical.  It was great as far as musical spectacle goes, but some of the performances were a bit lacking and after ROA, it just wasn't the same.  We got to experience some fun "local" stuff, including an amazing little pizza parlor where we met the owner who was the sweetest little Italian man, and the oldest Irish pub in Manhattan.  It had sawdust floors and everything.  There was also this little hole in the wall bar/restaurant that served a free pizza when you ordered a drink.  In that place, there was a guy at the bar with his dog on his lap and a woman who came in wearing her pink bathrobe.  Beyond interesting.

Since December, there hasn't been much in the way of excitement.  There has been LOTS in the way of anxiety, which is sad, because I thought that it would get better after December instead of getting worse.  However, I've been living on my own since the beginning of December and as difficult as it has been, it's been a really good experience for me.  I'm going to be heading back home around May 15th, but I'd really like to be able to do something different.  I just wish I knew what that was.  I want to be able to be on my own, but I need to find another job if I want to afford a place to live.  Then come the other questions...do I find a place locally or do I look in Nashville and the surrounding areas?  Could I work on music out of Cleveland or would it be better to be where things are "happening"?  What happens if I move to Nashville just to do exactly what I'm doing here?  They go on and on that way.  So, basically what ends up happening is that I can't make any kind of decision and so I don't do ANYTHING, which also is not helpful at all.

My next testing is a week from tomorrow.  I admit, I'm nervous.  The last time was just excruciating and frankly, I really don't want to have to go through that again, let alone once a year.  I'm praying that this time will go more smoothly and there won't be the amount of pain AND we'll get some positive results.  I'd really prefer to not have to relive all the events of this past year, but if the results aren't positive, I know I'll get through it. 

I really need to start making some life changes.  I'm getting older and starting to hit that point where I'm gaining weight faster than I'm able to burn calories.  Also, I probably need to cut back on the amount of red meat that I consume.  This is something that I need to do because of the cancer risk.  You'd think that having cancer once would be enough to turn me into a vegetarian, but old habits (and honestly, a love of all things meaty) are hard to break.  Let's see if this week I am able to make some healthier choices.  I need to be drinking water where I usually would drink iced tea and eat leaner proteins.  I'd love to be able to do a walk/race this year, and there's no way I'd be able to do it in the condition that I am right now.  I got a pull up bar so that I can start doing P90X and that was pretty hilarious.  I've never had great upper body strength, but let me say how epically I failed at that.  Yikes.  Well, I suppose I should finish up here.  If you're reading this, I wish you a blessed day.

Song of the Day: Blessed Assurance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTQDkK43ohk

Hello, March!

I haven't written for a very long time.  I've written several "drafts" and several different blogs that I just didn't feel I could publish.  Things have seemed pretty dark since last September and I felt like I wasn't doing anyone a favor by publishing those thoughts.  So, here I am again.  Still dark, but hopefully there will be a relatively hopeful spin on it...hopefully. :)

So, it's March.  March means a few things to me.  #1.  My mom has a birthday!  Love you, mom!

#2. March means Spring is coming!  Spring is my favorite season.  Things are awakening and becoming new.  I think the Lord uses this season to teach me and open my eyes to new things.  I'm hoping that this year will hold many things for me and be a time of growth and spiritual maturing.

#3.  March means that it's almost been a year since my cancer diagnosis.  It was during this time last year that I was feeling so awful and we still had no idea what was going on inside my body.  I cannot believe it will be a year next month since the diagnosis and May will be a year since surgery.  Next month will be full of testing and follow up procedures.  I'm definitely not looking forward to them, but I think I'll feel much better when they're over.  I'm hoping that the results mean that I won't have to have blood work all the time and we can just go to testing once a year!

#4.  March is Colon Cancer awareness month!  This is the time for everyone to blast their friends and loved ones with information regarding Colon Cancer.  Now, like anyone else, I hate to be inundated with messages about all kinds of various causes.  HOWEVER, this is a disease that is the second leading cause of cancer death and 60% of those deaths could be prevented if people received regular screenings.  That's a HUGE number of preventable deaths.  Imagine if it were your car.  You would want to know if your breaks were going to just stop working.  If they did, you'd be in a heap of trouble and guess what...it could have been prevented.  I realize that it's not fun.  I realize the preparation is uncomfortable.  But please take this from personal experience, it's going to be more fun than the alternative. ;)  Sooo...that being said...go and get your butt scoped, and when you do, go and tell your friends and loved ones to do the same.  You never know...they may just thank you for it! :)  Just to make you feel a little bit better about the whole thing, I have included a link to a hilarious (and somewhat awkward) music video.  You'll laugh...you won't be able to help yourself.  Just think about Barry White coming to sing to you during your procedure.  Awkward and hilarious, right?

Here ya go.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OlIrPV7LKg

I guess that will count as my song of the day as well :)