A Life Uncertain

Things seem to be going back to that place where nothing goes the right way.  That being said, I guess I'm not really sure what the "right" way is anymore.  Nothing has ever come easy and most of the time it doesn't matter how hard I try, things still end terribly.  I guess that's one of the reasons I stopped trying.  I find myself apathetic toward most things.

I am having a difficult time understanding why people who constantly struggle to do what's right are always faced with situations that are so crippling.  It's not a question of why bad things happen to good people, it's a question of why constant tribulation is poured upon a group of Godly people...people who really try to find the will of Christ in their lives and to glorify Him in all they do.

I find it difficult to keep my thoughts organized or linear.  In fact, most of my thoughts really aren't thoughts at all...they're a jumble of words, pictures and colors.  I stare blankly at whatever is before me and wonder why I cannot feel anything...why nothing inspires me to move or even react.  Why do I hear and see things, but nothing is absorbed?  Why is it that the things that are considered "pleasant" don't seem lasting or real?

It was raining heavily on Monday.  It was one of those rains with the big, fat drops and it was still fairly warm.  That's the best kind of rain in my opinion.  I thought that maybe if I could just go out in that rain that I'd be able to feel something.  If I could just stretch out my arms, throw back my head and scream at the sky or cry or something...anything...that the rain would make me feel.  I didn't really get much time in the rain.  By the time I had gotten home it had pretty much stopped, but before my drive I took plenty of time in getting to my car.  I didn't run or hurry in any way.  I walked slowly and held my eyes closed trying to concentrate on the heavy drops splashing on my face and the little river around my feet.  I wanted to experience the warmth of the air and the chill of the falling water.  After all, isn't feeling part of what makes us human?  What are we if we are numb to everything?  Or I suppose the more appropriate question is, "Who am I".

I've been wanting to write about all of this confusion and frustration.  Lyrics, I mean.  Somehow this is the first time I've been able to write ANYTHING that makes any kind of sense at all.  Or maybe it doesn't, but at least it's formed enough for me to get it from my brain to my fingers to this keyboard.  That's a step, I suppose.  Maybe if I can write enough, the emptying of my brain will somehow mean the filling of my spirit.  I don't like this hollow feeling.  It's like I'm a plastic Easter egg.  I guess the real similarity between myself and that simile is that we both feel a bit better when filled with chocolate.

I really hate people being cut out of my life.  It's one thing I'll never get used to.  Obviously, death is terrible and painful, but other times people need to be subtracted just because that's the right thing to do.  It's hard and it's awful.  I almost find it harder than someone passing, because at least the people who went away didn't WANT to leave me.  In these cases, I guess I didn't want to leave either.  That certainly would have made it suck less.  I am not a fan of difficult/adult decisions.  Often times, doing what God asks you to do is much harder than doing what you'd prefer, but I know that He will somehow honor obedience.

My mangled thoughts for today.

What day is this?

I had been keeping track of how many days it's been since my diagnosis...in fact, it's in my day planner, but sadly, that's away from me at the moment.  I had written some other blogs, but I found myself unable to publish them.  They were just too personal.  I guess I felt I had to hold them close to me.  There are still some things that I just don't know if I want everyone to be a part of.  That being said, things have been fairly difficult lately.  Oddly enough, it's not even stuff that is "my own", it just is close to me and makes things...well...harder.  That's not to say that great things haven't happened.  I just got a call a few days ago from the Cleveland Clinic that made me squeal.  I'm not sure how it's going to change things from here on out, but it certainly has lifted a weight off of my shoulders.  So, the Lord has been here through the good and the bad.  I finally feel as though I can write again, though I might lean toward things that I'm thinking about instead of what's going on in my life.

I've finally hit the wall.  You know...the one where you had lost weight and were feeling great and then you gained it all back and you say, "Seriously?!  What the heck am I doing??  I was feeling really good and now I'm back to where I was.  Is food really THAT important?"  So, I did my first Jillian Michaels work out today and hopefully will be attending the gym at least three times a week.  I really thought I'd be better once I got out of the hospital since they encourage you to eat well after surgery, but when all the foods you SHOULD eat you're not allowed for 6 weeks...it kinda starts you off on the wrong foot.  Hopefully that will start to be remedied very quickly.

I was looking for a new e-book on my Nook and realized that there seem to be no books to instruct women on how to do handy things.  Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong place, but I really couldn't find anything.  There are lots on what to expect when you're pregnant, shopping, finding Mr. Right, books on how to do dirty things, how to plan weddings...what if a girl doesn't want all those things?  I just want to find one of those books like they have for guys...like the ultimate guy's guide to doing everything kind of thing.  My brother has one that I think is called Man Up.  I want one like that but for a woman.  I want something that has all kinds of information that you really should know, but often aren't taught.  Maybe they're under Butch Women or Old Fashioned Women.  I dunno.  And if there isn't anything out there that's helpful, I'm going to learn it all anyway and write my own book.  Surely I can't be the ONLY one who wants to be independent and not some stupid maiden in distress.  I mean, I can do a lot of work on my own car and stuff, but there's more than just cars to learn.  Well, I guess that's my vent for the evening.  If anyone reads this and knows of a book that fits my description, feel free to comment and let us know what it's called.

Verse of the Day:  I really love this one...

...For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it.   Habakkuk 1:5