I realized just the other day that it was the my two year anniversary for being cancer free! I cannot believe that two years ago I was having the surgery that would make me better. So it's been a couple of days since my anniversary and I think it's funny that just before I had started thinking about my life and how I want to change it. I'm glad. I think it's definitely time for some changes. Since it's been two years, I can't wait any longer and I can't make excuses. Yeah, I do feel like junk a good amount of the time, but I can't let that get in the way anymore. I have to figure out how to plough through. I really do hope that this is just the beginning of things for me. Let's go back a few more days though.
On Friday, I was finally able to go out and do something with "the girls". On the way home, I stopped and spent a bit of time with my friend Kevin and his guy friends. Funny enough, one of his friends was an old acquaintance of mine. I had to remind him of it and we laughed. He was really good friends with my very first boyfriend and we had spent a few nights out together during high school and college when he and I got back together for a short time. I texted him (the first boyfriend) on the way home. He told me he was staying in Madison that night. I asked if I could stop and see him quickly as it was on the way to my house and I knew that his father wasn't doing well. It's always so odd to get together now. I feel like we've gotten so old. We grew up together and have known each other since we were about 4 or 5. Now he and his wife are expecting their first child. Kind of unreal...
On Saturday, I had the opportunity to sing at a woman's memorial service. It was such a lovely experience. I kept thinking how I hope when I'm gone, people are able to say the same of me that they said of her. It was just beautiful. I was also so thankful to be able to sing from 11:30-7:00 that day. I'm so blessed to have met my friend Dave who played for me all day long. We just kept picking songs and playing/singing them. We were like little kids with how excited we were getting over all of it. At 7, we finally had to leave so that we could make it to the theatre where we watched the youth production of I Never Saw Another Butterfly. The young ones did a really nice job of putting on a very emotionally difficult production. It was the story of a holocaust survivor and her experience in a camp. Serious subject matter, but they did a good job with it. There were several people from the Cats cast there and so we all stood around talking for a really long time. I got on Facebook to post my excitement about my anniversary and saw that my friend's father was doing very well. I was so relieved. I had been praying on the way home the night before.
Sunday basically consisted of church and then lunch with mom and Sarah. Going out with the two of them is always entertaining. We went to Qdoba and had a good time. We talked and laughed. We took pictures on the way out of the restaurant and then again when Sarah had to examine the big metal thing behind Qdoba to see if the valve on it was from Swagelok. I love them.
Now on to today. Things didn't seem to be going well from the moment I woke up. I went into work early so that I could work on things for the graduation program. Nothing was working out the way I wanted and I ended up with far more work than I anticipated, but soon things would be put into perspective. I found out that while I was frustrated with everything at work, my friend's father passed away. That broke my heart. He was such a great man. Later, the entire world started hearing about the enormous tornadoes in Oklahoma. It was awful to see the total devastation. I need to open my eyes a bit more so that I'm able to see all the wonderful things that God has given me. It's so easy to let little things get in the way and steal your focus, but I've been trying lately to make a daily decision to stay joyful. Not only am I going to choose joy, but I'm going to use whatever resources I have (no matter how big or little) to do what I can. I don't know what that means for me exactly, but I pray that it leads to a life that is more fulfilled and helps me to be a woman that people will love...and when my time comes, people will be able to say the kinds of things that they did for dear Trudy Templeton.
Song of the day: It Is Well With My Soul
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv5V3bY6qlI
Monday, May 20, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
What Am I Doing Here?
I think I'm going to continue writing and not publishing my blogs. I keep writing and deleting. I've realized that I have nothing positive and uplifting to say. If I can't inspire or make people think, then I don't really see the point in allowing people to read what I write. Initially, this was meant to show people a glimpse of what life is like while traveling this journey with cancer. There was always going to be bad that came with the good, but God was working and moving in my life. Now, a year and a half after surgery, I'm not seeing much movement and I'm not even back to where I was pre-cancer. More and more I'm believing that life is completely futile. I'm having a very difficult time understanding my battle with cancer, my spontaneous pneumothorax, or my history of mental illness. We fight so hard to survive. It's just our nature. But why? Why fight? What good does it do, really? Ultimately we all end up the same way. Granted, there are those one in a million type people who are just destined for greatness. They will always be remembered for the contributions that they have made to mankind. But, let's be honest, the vast majority of us are not those types of people. What about those of us who will not go on to marry and have children? We will have struggled and fought and in the end, no one will remember us 20 minutes after we are gone. So, that's my bitter and cynical post for the day. The sort of, "What's the meaning of life" kind of thing...and the answer is not 42. I suppose it could be, but it hasn't worked for me yet.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
So this is the New Year...
"So this is the New Year....and I don't feel any different."
At this moment, I feel as if my life is most simply described by this song from Death Cab for Cutie. I don't have any resolutions and there literally WERE explosions in the distance a few nights ago. Life seems so odd.
New Year's Eve was spent at the Hilton Inn with Kimmy Eskut, Rick McGuigan and Jim Jarrell. It was an entertaining evening. There was lots of silliness. We got to dress up a bit, which was fun. Kimmy is ALWAYS entertaining. I think my favorite part was getting to dance the polka with Rick. That made my night. There was one couple that sat with us. They seemed pretty fun, but then got wasted. To make it even better, the girl was basically unconscious and slumped over with his suit jacket around her. So, what's the best thing to do at that moment? How about proposing? Seriously. Worst proposal EVER. We were all completely dumbfounded. I wonder if she even remembered it the next morning. I think he probably should have just taken the ring back after she fell asleep and then had a do-over the next day. Yuck.
As far as the explosions I referred to earlier, I was sitting there watching Supernatural and suddenly hear what sounded like something huge hitting the back of our house. I could feel the impact of whatever it was. I couldn't figure out what would make that kind of sound. I assumed it had to be something in the house falling or maybe one of my parents got out of bed and tripped on something...but it sounded like it was outside. So...I listened and waited... There was nothing else. I didn't think much more about it until a few hours later when I checked my Facebook. Other people were asking about the "explosion" and if they had felt it. After a while, it came out that a house in MADISON had exploded. Madison?! And I felt it in Geneva?! I cannot even imagine what the houses next door were feeling and hearing. Thankfully, the man who owned the house had passed away a while ago and the house was empty when it exploded. That is just crazy to me.
On the 5th, I took mom and Sarah to their BeautiYou. We had a really fun time. It was nice spending time with them. We always have a bit of a giggle fest. The way home was the best, while mom tried to explain who the "effeminate black guy" was from "that tv show". Too funny. We came home and mom was watching the news and asking if the weather guy was wearing jeans. They apparently seemed far too snug to be dress pants. I tweeted him saying that he needed to stop being so adorable because I was trying to focus on the weather. That resulted in a 6 1/2 hour messaging session and a fairly happy girl.
The next day everyone wanted to know why I seemed happy. My Pastor was playing 20 Questions with me. He then ended up Googling him to see who he was. I was cracking up. He seemed very interested.
The Downton Abbey premiere was Sunday night. Mom and I were squealing with glee. We had a countdown going. Dad gave us a hard time and kept asking if we wanted to watch a movie at 9. We did end up watching Looper at 7 so we still had time. It was a pretty good flick. It ended up being different than what I thought it would be, but that's pretty cool that they were still able to keep it kind of a mystery. Then came Downton. Oh. Goodness. It was two hours of bliss. Mary and Matthew got married. What a crazy emotional journey. I wish people could behave more like they do on that show. Yes, there is plenty of drama and bad behavior, but people were held to a different standard. The day before Mary and Matthew's wedding she got a peck on the cheek. The night before, they couldn't see each other or it would be bad luck, so they promised to keep their eyes closed so they could have a tiny little kiss. Why is it that so much is just expected now, physically? I'd like to date a guy without him just assuming that I'm going to sleep with him. Here's a hint if any men are reading this: I'm not going to. I wonder about so much these days. Why does no one sit around a dinner table to eat anymore? I mean, I know we're all busy, but I feel that society would change quite a bit.
I suppose if I've made any kind of resolution, it's to be more joyful. My prayer this year is that I would be full of joy and thankfulness. I seriously need a thankful spirit. I have looked at what I don't have for far too long. I'm hoping that this year I can look at what I DO have and be thankful for what God has given to me. I've been very unhappy for a very long time. The anxiety and depression have continued to escalate into something that is absolutely unbearable. I don't want to spend any more time like that. I'm looking to Christ to find joy and peace, and hopefully create a new way of living.
That's enough for now.
Song of the Day: So This Is the New Year-Death Cab for Cutie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MwhxdGAnic
At this moment, I feel as if my life is most simply described by this song from Death Cab for Cutie. I don't have any resolutions and there literally WERE explosions in the distance a few nights ago. Life seems so odd.
New Year's Eve was spent at the Hilton Inn with Kimmy Eskut, Rick McGuigan and Jim Jarrell. It was an entertaining evening. There was lots of silliness. We got to dress up a bit, which was fun. Kimmy is ALWAYS entertaining. I think my favorite part was getting to dance the polka with Rick. That made my night. There was one couple that sat with us. They seemed pretty fun, but then got wasted. To make it even better, the girl was basically unconscious and slumped over with his suit jacket around her. So, what's the best thing to do at that moment? How about proposing? Seriously. Worst proposal EVER. We were all completely dumbfounded. I wonder if she even remembered it the next morning. I think he probably should have just taken the ring back after she fell asleep and then had a do-over the next day. Yuck.
As far as the explosions I referred to earlier, I was sitting there watching Supernatural and suddenly hear what sounded like something huge hitting the back of our house. I could feel the impact of whatever it was. I couldn't figure out what would make that kind of sound. I assumed it had to be something in the house falling or maybe one of my parents got out of bed and tripped on something...but it sounded like it was outside. So...I listened and waited... There was nothing else. I didn't think much more about it until a few hours later when I checked my Facebook. Other people were asking about the "explosion" and if they had felt it. After a while, it came out that a house in MADISON had exploded. Madison?! And I felt it in Geneva?! I cannot even imagine what the houses next door were feeling and hearing. Thankfully, the man who owned the house had passed away a while ago and the house was empty when it exploded. That is just crazy to me.
On the 5th, I took mom and Sarah to their BeautiYou. We had a really fun time. It was nice spending time with them. We always have a bit of a giggle fest. The way home was the best, while mom tried to explain who the "effeminate black guy" was from "that tv show". Too funny. We came home and mom was watching the news and asking if the weather guy was wearing jeans. They apparently seemed far too snug to be dress pants. I tweeted him saying that he needed to stop being so adorable because I was trying to focus on the weather. That resulted in a 6 1/2 hour messaging session and a fairly happy girl.
The next day everyone wanted to know why I seemed happy. My Pastor was playing 20 Questions with me. He then ended up Googling him to see who he was. I was cracking up. He seemed very interested.
The Downton Abbey premiere was Sunday night. Mom and I were squealing with glee. We had a countdown going. Dad gave us a hard time and kept asking if we wanted to watch a movie at 9. We did end up watching Looper at 7 so we still had time. It was a pretty good flick. It ended up being different than what I thought it would be, but that's pretty cool that they were still able to keep it kind of a mystery. Then came Downton. Oh. Goodness. It was two hours of bliss. Mary and Matthew got married. What a crazy emotional journey. I wish people could behave more like they do on that show. Yes, there is plenty of drama and bad behavior, but people were held to a different standard. The day before Mary and Matthew's wedding she got a peck on the cheek. The night before, they couldn't see each other or it would be bad luck, so they promised to keep their eyes closed so they could have a tiny little kiss. Why is it that so much is just expected now, physically? I'd like to date a guy without him just assuming that I'm going to sleep with him. Here's a hint if any men are reading this: I'm not going to. I wonder about so much these days. Why does no one sit around a dinner table to eat anymore? I mean, I know we're all busy, but I feel that society would change quite a bit.
I suppose if I've made any kind of resolution, it's to be more joyful. My prayer this year is that I would be full of joy and thankfulness. I seriously need a thankful spirit. I have looked at what I don't have for far too long. I'm hoping that this year I can look at what I DO have and be thankful for what God has given to me. I've been very unhappy for a very long time. The anxiety and depression have continued to escalate into something that is absolutely unbearable. I don't want to spend any more time like that. I'm looking to Christ to find joy and peace, and hopefully create a new way of living.
That's enough for now.
Song of the Day: So This Is the New Year-Death Cab for Cutie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MwhxdGAnic
Living Through Loss
I cannot begin to explain the emptiness I'm feeling. So many people have gone away lately and it's been beyond difficult. I feel like it started just before my diagnosis, but it's become really bad within the past month. It began with my aunt...
She was incredibly dear to us. My Aunt Emmie was actually my great aunt, but she had basically adopted us as grandchildren. She was always really close with my family and we loved her dearly. She was a lovely, Godly woman and she reminded me very much of her mother, my Great-Grandma Cutlip. Now THERE was a woman of God...but I digress. Anyway, Aunt Emmie was just so great. She was my own, personal "Aunt Em" and I even dedicated my performances of Oz to her. Her services were extremely difficult to get through and trying to sing was almost impossible. I knew, however, that she would have wanted me to, so I did it anyway...even if it wasn't pretty.
The 6th of this month (September) was my birthday. The first thing that I found out that morning was that the mother of the girl I was best friends with growing up had passed away from cancer. This was devastating news. Martha was a young and beautiful woman and passed way before her time. Growing up, she was like a mother to me and on top of that, she was the wife of my pastor. Needless to say, she was quite the role model. I remember her singing in church and silly things she'd say at the dinner table. I remember her dressing up as a clown for a church function when I was about 3 years old. The fact that she passed from cancer made me feel extremely guilty. I know that's silly, but I can't stand that mine was as "easy" as it was and loved ones are losing their battles.
Then, on September 18th, something happened that totally rocked my world. I went on Facebook and was thinking of my friend Jason, so I went to his page to send him a message and tell him I loved him. There was something odd about the two posts beneath where I was starting to post mine. One of them said R.I.P. I thought...no, that's not right. They can't be talking about him. I posted and did a bit of digging. I couldn't find anything and was going crazy with not knowing. Apparently, it was too recent to get any real news. I finally lost it. I became hysterical. I couldn't control my sobbing. I could NOT lose my Jason. I finally started texting a couple of people that I knew had been close to him previously. Neither of them had heard anything. I had to break the news to them. I had this gut feeling that he took his own life, but of course had no solid evidence of that. I then began to feel incredibly guilty. If that was the case, why wasn't I there for him? I have struggled with that particular issue for most of my life, so why was I not there when he needed me? I was supposed to see him at the end of August, but my financial situation had become so bad that I was unable to make the drive to Pittsburgh. I knew that he had been having a rough time. That's why I was planning on going to see him. His father had died a few months prior and he was really hurting. What gets me is that the last conversation we had he said, "I've just had a really hard time and I can't talk to anyone about it. You're the only one I think I could allow myself to open up and be vulnerable with." I could have saved him and I just wasn't there. Every day my heart breaks. This boy had a huge heart. I loved him dearly. I could go on and on about the things he did for me and the incredible friend he was to me throughout the years. My life will never be the same without him.
She was incredibly dear to us. My Aunt Emmie was actually my great aunt, but she had basically adopted us as grandchildren. She was always really close with my family and we loved her dearly. She was a lovely, Godly woman and she reminded me very much of her mother, my Great-Grandma Cutlip. Now THERE was a woman of God...but I digress. Anyway, Aunt Emmie was just so great. She was my own, personal "Aunt Em" and I even dedicated my performances of Oz to her. Her services were extremely difficult to get through and trying to sing was almost impossible. I knew, however, that she would have wanted me to, so I did it anyway...even if it wasn't pretty.
The 6th of this month (September) was my birthday. The first thing that I found out that morning was that the mother of the girl I was best friends with growing up had passed away from cancer. This was devastating news. Martha was a young and beautiful woman and passed way before her time. Growing up, she was like a mother to me and on top of that, she was the wife of my pastor. Needless to say, she was quite the role model. I remember her singing in church and silly things she'd say at the dinner table. I remember her dressing up as a clown for a church function when I was about 3 years old. The fact that she passed from cancer made me feel extremely guilty. I know that's silly, but I can't stand that mine was as "easy" as it was and loved ones are losing their battles.
Then, on September 18th, something happened that totally rocked my world. I went on Facebook and was thinking of my friend Jason, so I went to his page to send him a message and tell him I loved him. There was something odd about the two posts beneath where I was starting to post mine. One of them said R.I.P. I thought...no, that's not right. They can't be talking about him. I posted and did a bit of digging. I couldn't find anything and was going crazy with not knowing. Apparently, it was too recent to get any real news. I finally lost it. I became hysterical. I couldn't control my sobbing. I could NOT lose my Jason. I finally started texting a couple of people that I knew had been close to him previously. Neither of them had heard anything. I had to break the news to them. I had this gut feeling that he took his own life, but of course had no solid evidence of that. I then began to feel incredibly guilty. If that was the case, why wasn't I there for him? I have struggled with that particular issue for most of my life, so why was I not there when he needed me? I was supposed to see him at the end of August, but my financial situation had become so bad that I was unable to make the drive to Pittsburgh. I knew that he had been having a rough time. That's why I was planning on going to see him. His father had died a few months prior and he was really hurting. What gets me is that the last conversation we had he said, "I've just had a really hard time and I can't talk to anyone about it. You're the only one I think I could allow myself to open up and be vulnerable with." I could have saved him and I just wasn't there. Every day my heart breaks. This boy had a huge heart. I loved him dearly. I could go on and on about the things he did for me and the incredible friend he was to me throughout the years. My life will never be the same without him.
Feels Like I've Been Losin'
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them, cause it feels like I've been losin',
Things have been exceedingly difficult as of late. My Aunt Emmie passed away a couple of weeks ago. Things have been insane since then. I came home that Friday night to help mom clean up the house, but we ended up with grandma all evening, so nothing was accomplished. We had the funeral the following morning and to say it was a struggle would be an understatement. I was ok for most of the calling hours portion of it, but the funeral service was a huge bawl fest. I was asked to sing and I absolutely lost it. I felt like it was hard enough to deal with losing her, but then being put on the spot to sing was just making it harder. I finally went ahead and sang, not because of anyone pressuring me into it, but the fact that I knew if she had been there to talk to me, she would have wanted me to sing for her. My father tried to tell the hilarious story of the year that someone bought her these GIANT underwear as a gag gift for Christmas one year. For all of us, there was an odd combination of laughter and sobs. Afterward, the entire extended family went out to eat. It was nice having everyone together. Of course, it was outside and BLAZING hot. I got a migraine that I was unable to shake for the rest of the day and night.
I had to leave earlier than I would have liked, but since we had been with grandma the night before, the house STILL wasn't clean and my cousin and his wife were going to be arriving at our place a few hours later. Just a side-note: Cleaning with a migraine is never fun. Mom, Sarah and I spent the next three hours cleaning and Drew and Caity arrived around six that evening. We socialized at the house for a while and then went to Eddie's to have some dinner. After the emotionally draining morning that we all had, it was nice to have two young people who's life together is really just beginning. I admit though, it's difficult for me not to be jealous of the life they've been blessed with. It seems like some people are just blessed with a great life and can do no wrong. That's not to say that Drew hasn't worked his butt off for the things he's gotten...he's a VERY hard worker and I'm incredibly proud of him. I just think it's odd that in life there are people who seem to succeed at everything they put their hand to and some people who fail every time they make an attempt at anything. It's a curious thing. I wonder why it works out that way. It was nice to have them at the house for a bit though, even though it was only over night.
After that, I had to focus most of my energy on the princess visit to the Cleveland Clinic Children's Hospital. I tried so hard to make sure I had my songs prepared and all of the toys purchased and put together. I was so concerned about having enough toys for all of the kids. Then I started getting this gut feeling that the wing was going to be full of teenage boys. Wouldn't you know, that's what happened? They said the day before, they had all kinds of girls, but things change so much day to day. We started with a hand full of kids in the activities room. I read a couple of stories and sang just one song. I let everyone pick out a toy and then we ended up going from room to room. It was touching and heartbreaking all at the same time. I went to the epilepsy ward and the hematology/oncology ward. I had a rough time seeing the kids in oncology. There was one little girl who was 11 and just so sweet. I'd like to go back and speak with her again. She loves music and we talked about Selena Gomez. I think she probably felt a bit old to have a princess visit her, but I think she might like to know that there is an older but real girl out there who can somewhat relate to her journey. What a joy to be able to share that with them. It was incredibly moving and such a privilege. I hope I can do it again soon. We still have several toys left over and I'd love to continue the visits.
Until next time...
Things have been exceedingly difficult as of late. My Aunt Emmie passed away a couple of weeks ago. Things have been insane since then. I came home that Friday night to help mom clean up the house, but we ended up with grandma all evening, so nothing was accomplished. We had the funeral the following morning and to say it was a struggle would be an understatement. I was ok for most of the calling hours portion of it, but the funeral service was a huge bawl fest. I was asked to sing and I absolutely lost it. I felt like it was hard enough to deal with losing her, but then being put on the spot to sing was just making it harder. I finally went ahead and sang, not because of anyone pressuring me into it, but the fact that I knew if she had been there to talk to me, she would have wanted me to sing for her. My father tried to tell the hilarious story of the year that someone bought her these GIANT underwear as a gag gift for Christmas one year. For all of us, there was an odd combination of laughter and sobs. Afterward, the entire extended family went out to eat. It was nice having everyone together. Of course, it was outside and BLAZING hot. I got a migraine that I was unable to shake for the rest of the day and night.
I had to leave earlier than I would have liked, but since we had been with grandma the night before, the house STILL wasn't clean and my cousin and his wife were going to be arriving at our place a few hours later. Just a side-note: Cleaning with a migraine is never fun. Mom, Sarah and I spent the next three hours cleaning and Drew and Caity arrived around six that evening. We socialized at the house for a while and then went to Eddie's to have some dinner. After the emotionally draining morning that we all had, it was nice to have two young people who's life together is really just beginning. I admit though, it's difficult for me not to be jealous of the life they've been blessed with. It seems like some people are just blessed with a great life and can do no wrong. That's not to say that Drew hasn't worked his butt off for the things he's gotten...he's a VERY hard worker and I'm incredibly proud of him. I just think it's odd that in life there are people who seem to succeed at everything they put their hand to and some people who fail every time they make an attempt at anything. It's a curious thing. I wonder why it works out that way. It was nice to have them at the house for a bit though, even though it was only over night.
After that, I had to focus most of my energy on the princess visit to the Cleveland Clinic Children's Hospital. I tried so hard to make sure I had my songs prepared and all of the toys purchased and put together. I was so concerned about having enough toys for all of the kids. Then I started getting this gut feeling that the wing was going to be full of teenage boys. Wouldn't you know, that's what happened? They said the day before, they had all kinds of girls, but things change so much day to day. We started with a hand full of kids in the activities room. I read a couple of stories and sang just one song. I let everyone pick out a toy and then we ended up going from room to room. It was touching and heartbreaking all at the same time. I went to the epilepsy ward and the hematology/oncology ward. I had a rough time seeing the kids in oncology. There was one little girl who was 11 and just so sweet. I'd like to go back and speak with her again. She loves music and we talked about Selena Gomez. I think she probably felt a bit old to have a princess visit her, but I think she might like to know that there is an older but real girl out there who can somewhat relate to her journey. What a joy to be able to share that with them. It was incredibly moving and such a privilege. I hope I can do it again soon. We still have several toys left over and I'd love to continue the visits.
Until next time...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)