I cannot begin to explain the emptiness I'm feeling. So many people have gone away lately and it's been beyond difficult. I feel like it started just before my diagnosis, but it's become really bad within the past month. It began with my aunt...
She was incredibly dear to us. My Aunt Emmie was actually my great aunt, but she had basically adopted us as grandchildren. She was always really close with my family and we loved her dearly. She was a lovely, Godly woman and she reminded me very much of her mother, my Great-Grandma Cutlip. Now THERE was a woman of God...but I digress. Anyway, Aunt Emmie was just so great. She was my own, personal "Aunt Em" and I even dedicated my performances of Oz to her. Her services were extremely difficult to get through and trying to sing was almost impossible. I knew, however, that she would have wanted me to, so I did it anyway...even if it wasn't pretty.
The 6th of this month (September) was my birthday. The first thing that I found out that morning was that the mother of the girl I was best friends with growing up had passed away from cancer. This was devastating news. Martha was a young and beautiful woman and passed way before her time. Growing up, she was like a mother to me and on top of that, she was the wife of my pastor. Needless to say, she was quite the role model. I remember her singing in church and silly things she'd say at the dinner table. I remember her dressing up as a clown for a church function when I was about 3 years old. The fact that she passed from cancer made me feel extremely guilty. I know that's silly, but I can't stand that mine was as "easy" as it was and loved ones are losing their battles.
Then, on September 18th, something happened that totally rocked my world. I went on Facebook and was thinking of my friend Jason, so I went to his page to send him a message and tell him I loved him. There was something odd about the two posts beneath where I was starting to post mine. One of them said R.I.P. I thought...no, that's not right. They can't be talking about him. I posted and did a bit of digging. I couldn't find anything and was going crazy with not knowing. Apparently, it was too recent to get any real news. I finally lost it. I became hysterical. I couldn't control my sobbing. I could NOT lose my Jason. I finally started texting a couple of people that I knew had been close to him previously. Neither of them had heard anything. I had to break the news to them. I had this gut feeling that he took his own life, but of course had no solid evidence of that. I then began to feel incredibly guilty. If that was the case, why wasn't I there for him? I have struggled with that particular issue for most of my life, so why was I not there when he needed me? I was supposed to see him at the end of August, but my financial situation had become so bad that I was unable to make the drive to Pittsburgh. I knew that he had been having a rough time. That's why I was planning on going to see him. His father had died a few months prior and he was really hurting. What gets me is that the last conversation we had he said, "I've just had a really hard time and I can't talk to anyone about it. You're the only one I think I could allow myself to open up and be vulnerable with." I could have saved him and I just wasn't there. Every day my heart breaks. This boy had a huge heart. I loved him dearly. I could go on and on about the things he did for me and the incredible friend he was to me throughout the years. My life will never be the same without him.
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