No Longer Slaves

 I’ve been thinking a lot lately about restarting this and documenting the life AFTER cancer. I found that I actually began an entry about a year ago and realized that I really should. So much has gone on and it’s easy to forget how far I’ve come since I constantly feel like I’m back at square one. It’s easy to get discouraged when you’re chronically ill. I often feel like I’ll never grow up. I’m constantly dependent upon other people. It’s also very easy to compare myself to where other people are in their journeys and get upset because I’m not there and may NEVER be there. How does one manage to have a career when there are constantly doctors’ appointments and lengthy drives to and from those appointments...or sometimes flights out of state to see the best specialists? How does one acquire a home or financial security without the career, or at least a decent job? How does one find and keep a healthy relationship when they don’t feel like they have anything to offer? These are all questions I’ve struggled with for many years. I can’t say that I’ve gotten the answers to any of them. And yet, God is faithful. I am not without a place to live. I have people who love me. He always provides me with enough money to pay the bills and this year I even had enough for Christmas presents. Those are all huge things that somehow I always trivialize because I compare them to what other people have.

I find myself realizing just how much like the Israelites I really am. I would always read about them and scoff, thinking, “how is it possible that God would bring you through so much and provide you all these miracles, and you’d forget him so quickly?” Ooof. Apparently, I’m not nearly as different from them as I’d like to think. Maybe my last 10-15 years has just been my version of wandering the desert. I acknowledge Him and thank Him in the moment, but then somehow get amnesia and cry out asking where He is and why I’m not able to find Him in my situation. It must be frustrating to constantly have to remind me. 

The fact is, at this time last year, I was unable to stand without having a cardiac episode. I was in constant pain, and the anxiety I’ve worked so hard to combat my entire life became as bad as it was when it began. I was seeing a new specialist all the time and honestly cannot even recall what my total is at this point. Since then, I have improved to a relatively normal life. I was able to move back home. I finally made it a month without an ER visit...then I made it two and then three. I decided to try and get involved in theatre again, even not knowing if my body could handle it. It did. I did a summer and a holiday show, and I have three more coming up. I’m booked through July. I’m working with excellent directors and equally amazing casts. I’m starting to believe people when they tell me I have talent and working on getting outside of my comfort zones in all areas of life. I don’t know what all the issues were in my body last year. I know some of them and we worked on treating those, but the rest of the stuff just kind of vanished. I worry about it coming back, but He’s trying to show me that I can’t dwell on that. If I do, I’ll never do anything and I’ll always live in fear. Now I have to focus on fearing regret over failure. It’s easy not to fail if you never try anything, but I want to thrive, not just survive. I want to fly. I can’t fly if I never take a leap. So that’s what I’m doing now. I’m working on leaping. I will always have fear, but I refuse to be a slave to it any longer. I am a child of God.

“You split the sea so I could walk right though it. My fears are drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could sing. I am a child of God.”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f8TkUMJtK5k

Happy New Year

It's been seven months since I've written here.  I had been so determined then to change my perspective and choose to see life from a better viewpoint.  I can't say that I've been successful.  I think that's part of the reason I haven't written.  Unfortunately, if there is anything that I'm actually good at, it's seeing the negative in things.  Call it a gift.

I can't say that everything has been bad.  There have been so many wonderfully exciting things that happened this past year.  Though it wasn't a show I'd ever have wanted to do before, I was finally able to get onstage again.  I wish I could say I've been back since then, but hopefully that will change again. My sister and I have developed a relationship that we've never had before.  That makes me happier than I can say.  We started a blog in July and began gearing up for our first comic convention together in August.  We've watched a bunch of movies, like Elysium, Thor 2, The Hobbit 2, and The World's End. We've been able to meet all kinds of exciting new people and see fantastic things.  I've met celebrities like Eddie McClintock, Michael Rosenbaum, John Barrowman, and I even got a smooch from James Marsters.  I cannot even begin to name all of the great comic book writers, artists and publishers that I've had the fortune of meeting and working with.  I'm hoping that this year the number of cool people I meet is able to triple or quadruple.  There is nothing quite like meeting new people.  It is inspiring and humbling.

I've been working on several cosplay projects and Sarah is starting to get in on it as well.  My last couple of cosplay projects were even (mostly) sewn by me.  Mom and I haven't really had the time together for her to sit down and give me lessons, but I'm learning, albeit slowly.  My last project required a corset and "leather" pants.  Mom didn't think that I'd be able to do the pants, but I was determined and they are actually wearable.  Granted, they still need a bit of adjustment to get the perfect fit, but they worked out surprisingly well.  I think my mother was more surprised than I was.  People are picking up on my cosplay, too.  I'm getting more job offers and I even won an online contest.  So exciting!  Oh, and I started a cosplay Facebook and have gotten many friends there.

I started singing with a swing band.  It's been such an adventure.  I've had the opportunity to sing a bunch of songs that I've loved for as long as I can remember and I've been able to sing pieces that I didn't know before and that I now love dearly.  The experience of singing with an actual band is thrilling.  I'm always amazed to be working with such talented people.  There are several things that have happened this year that would not have happened if I hadn't started working with Sophisticated Swing.

I was trying to think of some firsts that I had this past year and the one that kept coming to mind was lobster.  I've had lobster only one time and it was this year on the set of a film.  I can't really say what film it was, but I can't wait to do it again.  Screen work is so different than stage work.  Doing Dawson's Creek years ago showed me that.  This was far more grand.  Craft Services had anything anyone could ever want.  It was unreal.  I had the opportunity to watch amazingly talented actors and stunt people do what they do best, and watch high speed chases and SUVs on fire.  I wish that I could have been on set longer.  I'm sure that when the movie is released, you won't see me at all, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I was there.  I hope that I'm able to do it again someday soon.

I also was able to go to the drive in for the first time.  I have wanted to own one since I was little, so this was so exciting for me.  I had the idea that the drive in should have Despicable Me 2 and Monsters Inc. 2 playing, and wouldn't you know, a couple of weeks later, it did.  I went with Sarah and her family and had a fantastic time.

Another first time thing that I've been waiting on my whole life?  Well, I was finally able to see New Kids on the Block in concert.  Not only was it NKOTB, but Boyz II Men and 98°.  I wasn't all that excited about 98°, but they ended up being awesome as well.  The other two groups WERE my elementary school experience.  How exciting is that?!  It was so surreal to see these people and sing all the songs from my childhood that I knew by heart.  What a special, magical moment.

I'm creeping my way to three years of being cancer free.  It's so hard to believe.  My last oncology appointment went really well.  He told me that once we hit three years, most of the pressure is off.  Five years is when I get the all clear, but knowing that I'm already halfway through that is a wonderful feeling.  Unfortunately, the rest of my health has been a bit more turbulent.  After several months of being ill and having to wait months to get in to see a doctor, I took my issues into my own hands and completely changed my diet.  Thankfully, omitting many foods actually helped so much.  Months later, I found out that I no longer can digest lactose and have a gluten sensitivity.  Apparently my years of being obsessed with carbs and dairy (mostly cinnamon rolls, french toast and ice cream) came back to bite me in the butt.  Looks like you really can have too much of a good thing.  My body decided enough was enough.  I did just finally find a gluten free burger though.  Praise the Lord!

I met my new surgeon and she would like me to have another surgery...possibly more.  She sent me back to the geneticist and THAT doctor seemed to think there was another possibility than having two really rare genetic diseases.  She found a different disease that seemed to cover all of my symptoms, but there is no cure or treatment.  She discouraged me from getting the test done, but I told her I'd rather know than sit around and think about it all the time.  Against her recommendation, I had the testing done.  The first round of testing took about 5 weeks to come back, but thankfully, they were negative.  They did another round of testing following that, but I still haven't heard anything.  Today actually makes six weeks.  I wish I knew whether that was a good or a bad thing.

Yikes!  I still have so many things to write.  Maybe bullet points would be better.  I worked on my car for the first time this year (changed oil and filter, rotated tires, etc).  Mom and I went to see Patsy Clairmont again.  She's so inspirational to me.  I can only pray that God is able to use me a fraction of the way He has used that woman.  I was able to help out with a clinical trial for colon cancer patients and do some more princess visits at the Cleveland Clinic.  I had to say goodbye to the Boles family.  They had become a second family to me while I was living with them and it was extremely hard for me.  Shortly thereafter, I left my position at PCA.  It was hard to leave the kids, but it needed to be done.

I wasn't able to make it downtown to watch many shows this year, but I did get to see a few for free!  I got to see In the Mood with my band director and his wife.  Mom and I went to see Once, and Hungarian folk dancers.  They were both so great.  Recently, I took mom and Sarah to see A Christmas Carol.  I never have really liked that story, but when I see Great Lakes do it, I always enjoy myself.  My favorite show to see, though not a stage production, was The Wizard of Oz.  Mom and I went to see it in IMAX 3D.  I never thought that I would see it in the theatre, let alone something of such magnitude.  Judy Garland was right in my face!  From the moment the overture started, I was in tears.  Unfortunately, because of medication and things, I have basically no memory, but THIS is something I will never be able to forget.  I put on one of my Oz shirts, put my hair in braids and off we went.  I loved every moment of it and don't know that I'll ever have another experience quite like it.

So, this year has been really hard.  I've had a lot more tribulation in the health department and my panic disorder has gotten so bad that I'm back to the point of agoraphobia.  It's not at all where I want to be, and I didn't think I'd have to be suffering through the same battles I did 21 years ago.  However, I'm choosing to remember the best parts of this past year and choosing to believe that this coming year is going to be a great one.  Why?  Because

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7

Song of the day:  This Year  http://youtu.be/l2yNNvfjvug

Two Year Anniversary

I realized just the other day that it was the my two year anniversary for being cancer free!  I cannot believe that two years ago I was having the surgery that would make me better.  So it's been a couple of days since my anniversary and I think it's funny that just before I had started thinking about my life and how I want to change it.  I'm glad.  I think it's definitely time for some changes.  Since it's been two years, I can't wait any longer and I can't make excuses.  Yeah, I do feel like junk a good amount of the time, but I can't let that get in the way anymore.  I have to figure out how to plough through.  I really do hope that this is just the beginning of things for me.  Let's go back a few more days though.

On Friday, I was finally able to go out and do something with "the girls".  On the way home, I stopped and spent a bit of time with my friend Kevin and his guy friends.  Funny enough, one of his friends was an old acquaintance of mine.  I had to remind him of it and we laughed.  He was really good friends with my very first boyfriend and we had spent a few nights out together during high school and college when he and I got back together for a short time.  I texted him (the first boyfriend) on the way home.  He told me he was staying in Madison that night.  I asked if I could stop and see him quickly as it was on the way to my house and I knew that his father wasn't doing well.  It's always so odd to get together now.  I feel like we've gotten so old.  We grew up together and have known each other since we were about 4 or 5.  Now he and his wife are expecting their first child.  Kind of unreal...

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to sing at a woman's memorial service.  It was such a lovely experience.  I kept thinking how I hope when I'm gone, people are able to say the same of me that they said of her.  It was just beautiful.  I was also so thankful to be able to sing from 11:30-7:00 that day.  I'm so blessed to have met my friend Dave who played for me all day long.  We just kept picking songs and playing/singing them.  We were like little kids with how excited we were getting over all of it.  At 7, we finally had to leave so that we could make it to the theatre where we watched the youth production of I Never Saw Another Butterfly.  The young ones did a really nice job of putting on a very emotionally difficult production.  It was the story of a holocaust survivor and her experience in a camp.  Serious subject matter, but they did a good job with it.  There were several people from the Cats cast there and so we all stood around talking for a really long time.  I got on Facebook to post my excitement about my anniversary and saw that my friend's father was doing very well.  I was so relieved.  I had been praying on the way home the night before.

Sunday basically consisted of church and then lunch with mom and Sarah.  Going out with the two of them is always entertaining.  We went to Qdoba and had a good time.  We talked and laughed.  We took pictures on the way out of the restaurant and then again when Sarah had to examine the big metal thing behind Qdoba to see if the valve on it was from Swagelok.  I love them.

Now on to today.  Things didn't seem to be going well from the moment I woke up.  I went into work early so that I could work on things for the graduation program.  Nothing was working out the way I wanted and I ended up with far more work than I anticipated, but soon things would be put into perspective.  I found out that while I was frustrated with everything at work, my friend's father passed away.  That broke my heart.  He was such a great man.  Later, the entire world started hearing about the enormous tornadoes in Oklahoma.  It was awful to see the total devastation.  I need to open my eyes a bit more so that I'm able to see all the wonderful things that God has given me.  It's so easy to let little things get in the way and steal your focus, but I've been trying lately to make a daily decision to stay joyful.  Not only am I going to choose joy, but I'm going to use whatever resources I have (no matter how big or little) to do what I can.  I don't know what that means for me exactly, but I pray that it leads to a life that is more fulfilled and helps me to be a woman that people will love...and when my time comes, people will be able to say the kinds of things that they did for dear Trudy Templeton.

Song of the day:  It Is Well With My Soul
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv5V3bY6qlI

What Am I Doing Here?

I think I'm going to continue writing and not publishing my blogs.  I keep writing and deleting.  I've realized that I have nothing positive and uplifting to say.  If I can't inspire or make people think, then I don't really see the point in allowing people to read what I write.  Initially, this was meant to show people a glimpse of what life is like while traveling this journey with cancer.  There was always going to be bad that came with the good, but God was working and moving in my life.  Now, a year and a half after surgery, I'm not seeing much movement and I'm not even back to where I was pre-cancer.   More and more I'm believing that life is completely futile.  I'm having a very difficult time understanding my battle with cancer, my spontaneous pneumothorax, or my history of mental illness.  We fight so hard to survive.  It's just our nature.  But why?  Why fight?  What good does it do, really?  Ultimately we all end up the same way.  Granted, there are those one in a million type people who are just destined for greatness.  They will always be remembered for the contributions that they have made to mankind.  But, let's be honest, the vast majority of us are not those types of people.  What about those of us who will not go on to marry and have children?  We will have struggled and fought and in the end, no one will remember us 20 minutes after we are gone.  So, that's my bitter and cynical post for the day.  The sort of, "What's the meaning of life" kind of thing...and the answer is not 42.  I suppose it could be, but it hasn't worked for me yet.

So this is the New Year...

"So this is the New Year....and I don't feel any different."

At this moment, I feel as if my life is most simply described by this song from Death Cab for Cutie.  I don't have any resolutions and there literally WERE explosions in the distance a few nights ago.  Life seems so odd. 

New Year's Eve was spent at the Hilton Inn with Kimmy Eskut, Rick McGuigan and Jim Jarrell.  It was an entertaining evening.  There was lots of silliness.  We got to dress up a bit, which was fun.  Kimmy is ALWAYS entertaining.  I think my favorite part was getting to dance the polka with Rick.  That made my night.  There was one couple that sat with us.  They seemed pretty fun, but then got wasted.  To make it even better, the girl was basically unconscious and slumped over with his suit jacket around her.  So, what's the best thing to do at that moment?  How about proposing?  Seriously.  Worst proposal EVER.  We were all completely dumbfounded.  I wonder if she even remembered it the next morning.  I think he probably should have just taken the ring back after she fell asleep and then had a do-over the next day.  Yuck.

As far as the explosions I referred to earlier, I was sitting there watching Supernatural and suddenly hear what sounded like something huge hitting the back of our house.  I could feel the impact of whatever it was.  I couldn't figure out what would make that kind of sound.  I assumed it had to be something in the house falling or maybe one of my parents got out of bed and tripped on something...but it sounded like it was outside.  So...I listened and waited...  There was nothing else.  I didn't think much more about it until a few hours later when I checked my Facebook.  Other people were asking about the "explosion" and if they had felt it.  After a while, it came out that a house in MADISON had exploded.  Madison?!  And I felt it in Geneva?!  I cannot even imagine what the houses next door were feeling and hearing.  Thankfully, the man who owned the house had passed away a while ago and the house was empty when it exploded.  That is just crazy to me.

On the 5th, I took mom and Sarah to their BeautiYou.  We had a really fun time.  It was nice spending time with them.  We always have a bit of a giggle fest.  The way home was the best, while mom tried to explain who the "effeminate black guy" was from "that tv show".  Too funny.  We came home and mom was watching the news and asking if the weather guy was wearing jeans.  They apparently seemed far too snug to be dress pants.  I tweeted him saying that he needed to stop being so adorable because I was trying to focus on the weather.  That resulted in a 6 1/2 hour messaging session and a fairly happy girl. 

The next day everyone wanted to know why I seemed happy.  My Pastor was playing 20 Questions with me.  He then ended up Googling him to see who he was.  I was cracking up.  He seemed very interested. 

The Downton Abbey premiere was Sunday night.  Mom and I were squealing with glee.  We had a countdown going.  Dad gave us a hard time and kept asking if we wanted to watch a movie at 9.  We did end up watching Looper at 7 so we still had time.  It was a pretty good flick.  It ended up being different than what I thought it would be, but that's pretty cool that they were still able to keep it kind of a mystery.  Then came Downton.  Oh. Goodness.  It was two hours of bliss.  Mary and Matthew got married.  What a crazy emotional journey.  I wish people could behave more like they do on that show.  Yes, there is plenty of drama and bad behavior, but people were held to a different standard.  The day before Mary and Matthew's wedding she got a peck on the cheek.  The night before, they couldn't see each other or it would be bad luck, so they promised to keep their eyes closed so they could have a tiny little kiss.  Why is it that so much is just expected now, physically?  I'd like to date a guy without him just assuming that I'm going to sleep with him.  Here's a hint if any men are reading this: I'm not going to.  I wonder about so much these days.  Why does no one sit around a dinner table to eat anymore?  I mean, I know we're all busy, but I feel that society would change quite a bit.

I suppose if I've made any kind of resolution, it's to be more joyful.  My prayer this year is that I would be full of joy and thankfulness.  I seriously need a thankful spirit.  I have looked at what I don't have for far too long.  I'm hoping that this year I can look at what I DO have and be thankful for what God has given to me.  I've been very unhappy for a very long time.  The anxiety and depression have continued to escalate into something that is absolutely unbearable.  I don't want to spend any more time like that.  I'm looking to Christ to find joy and peace, and hopefully create a new way of living.

That's enough for now.

Song of the Day: So This Is the New Year-Death Cab for Cutie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MwhxdGAnic

Living Through Loss

I cannot begin to explain the emptiness I'm feeling.  So many people have gone away lately and it's been beyond difficult.  I feel like it started just before my diagnosis, but it's become really bad within the past month.  It began with my aunt...

She was incredibly dear to us.  My Aunt Emmie was actually my great aunt, but she had basically adopted us as grandchildren.  She was always really close with my family and we loved her dearly.  She was a lovely, Godly woman and she reminded me very much of her mother, my Great-Grandma Cutlip.  Now THERE was a woman of God...but I digress.  Anyway, Aunt Emmie was just so great.  She was my own, personal "Aunt Em" and I even dedicated my performances of Oz to her.  Her services were extremely difficult to get through and trying to sing was almost impossible.  I knew, however, that she would have wanted me to, so I did it anyway...even if it wasn't pretty.

The 6th of this month (September) was my birthday.  The first thing that I found out that morning was that the mother of the girl I was best friends with growing up had passed away from cancer.  This was devastating news.  Martha was a young and beautiful woman and passed way before her time.  Growing up, she was like a mother to me and on top of that, she was the wife of my pastor.  Needless to say, she was quite the role model.  I remember her singing in church and silly things she'd say at the dinner table.  I remember her dressing up as a clown for a church function when I was about 3 years old.  The fact that she passed from cancer made me feel extremely guilty.  I know that's silly, but I can't stand that mine was as "easy" as it was and loved ones are losing their battles.

Then, on September 18th, something happened that totally rocked my world.  I went on Facebook and was thinking of my friend Jason, so I went to his page to send him a message and tell him I loved him.  There was something odd about the two posts beneath where I was starting to post mine.  One of them said R.I.P.  I thought...no, that's not right.  They can't be talking about him.  I posted and did a bit of digging.  I couldn't find anything and was going crazy with not knowing.  Apparently, it was too recent to get any real news.  I finally lost it.  I became hysterical.  I couldn't control my sobbing.  I could NOT lose my Jason.  I finally started texting a couple of people that I knew had been close to him previously.  Neither of them had heard anything.  I had to break the news to them.  I had this gut feeling that he took his own life, but of course had no solid evidence of that.  I then began to feel incredibly guilty.  If that was the case, why wasn't I there for him?  I have struggled with that particular issue for most of my life, so why was I not there when he needed me?  I was supposed to see him at the end of August, but my financial situation had become so bad that I was unable to make the drive to Pittsburgh.  I knew that he had been having a rough time.  That's why I was planning on going to see him.  His father had died a few months prior and he was really hurting.  What gets me is that the last conversation we had he said, "I've just had a really hard time and I can't talk to anyone about it.  You're the only one I think I could allow myself to open up and be vulnerable with."  I could have saved him and I just wasn't there.  Every day my heart breaks.  This boy had a huge heart.  I loved him dearly.  I could go on and on about the things he did for me and the incredible friend he was to me throughout the years.  My life will never be the same without him.

Feels Like I've Been Losin'

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them, cause it feels like I've been losin',

Things have been exceedingly difficult as of late.  My Aunt Emmie passed away a couple of weeks ago.  Things have been insane since then.  I came home that Friday night to help mom clean up the house, but we ended up with grandma all evening, so nothing was accomplished.  We had the funeral the following morning and to say it was a struggle would be an understatement.  I was ok for most of the calling hours portion of it, but the funeral service was a huge bawl fest.  I was asked to sing and I absolutely lost it.  I felt like it was hard enough to deal with losing her, but then being put on the spot to sing was just making it harder.  I finally went ahead and sang, not because of anyone pressuring me into it, but the fact that I knew if she had been there to talk to me, she would have wanted me to sing for her.  My father tried to tell the hilarious story of the year that someone bought her these GIANT underwear as a gag gift for Christmas one year.  For all of us, there was an odd combination of laughter and sobs.  Afterward, the entire extended family went out to eat.  It was nice having everyone together.  Of course, it was outside and BLAZING hot.  I got a migraine that I was unable to shake for the rest of the day and night.

I had to leave earlier than I would have liked, but since we had been with grandma the night before, the house STILL wasn't clean and my cousin and his wife were going to be arriving at our place a few hours later.  Just a side-note: Cleaning with a migraine is never fun.  Mom, Sarah and I spent the next three hours cleaning and Drew and Caity arrived around six that evening.  We socialized at the house for a while and then went to Eddie's to have some dinner.  After the emotionally draining morning that we all had, it was nice to have two young people who's life together is really just beginning.  I admit though, it's difficult for me not to be jealous of the life they've been blessed with.  It seems like some people are just blessed with a great life and can do no wrong.  That's not to say that Drew hasn't worked his butt off for the things he's gotten...he's a VERY hard worker and I'm incredibly proud of him.  I just think it's odd that in life there are people who seem to succeed at everything they put their hand to and some people who fail every time they make an attempt at anything.  It's a curious thing.  I wonder why it works out that way.  It was nice to have them at the house for a bit though, even though it was only over night.

After that, I had to focus most of my energy on the princess visit to the Cleveland Clinic Children's Hospital.  I tried so hard to make sure I had my songs prepared and all of the toys purchased and put together.  I was so concerned about having enough toys for all of the kids.  Then I started getting this gut feeling that the wing was going to be full of teenage boys.  Wouldn't you know, that's what happened?  They said the day before, they had all kinds of girls, but things change so much day to day.  We started with a hand full of kids in the activities room.  I read a couple of stories and sang just one song.  I let everyone pick out a toy and then we ended up going from room to room.  It was touching and heartbreaking all at the same time.  I went to the epilepsy ward and the hematology/oncology ward.  I had a rough time seeing the kids in oncology.  There was one little girl who was 11 and just so sweet.  I'd like to go back and speak with her again.  She loves music and we talked about Selena Gomez.  I think she probably felt a bit old to have a princess visit her, but I think she might like to know that there is an older but real girl out there who can somewhat relate to her journey.  What a joy to be able to share that with them.  It was incredibly moving and such a privilege.  I hope  I can do it again soon.  We still have several toys left over and I'd love to continue the visits.

Until next time...