I’ve been thinking a lot lately about restarting this and documenting the life AFTER cancer. I found that I actually began an entry about a year ago and realized that I really should. So much has gone on and it’s easy to forget how far I’ve come since I constantly feel like I’m back at square one. It’s easy to get discouraged when you’re chronically ill. I often feel like I’ll never grow up. I’m constantly dependent upon other people. It’s also very easy to compare myself to where other people are in their journeys and get upset because I’m not there and may NEVER be there. How does one manage to have a career when there are constantly doctors’ appointments and lengthy drives to and from those appointments...or sometimes flights out of state to see the best specialists? How does one acquire a home or financial security without the career, or at least a decent job? How does one find and keep a healthy relationship when they don’t feel like they have anything to offer? These are all questions I’ve struggled with for many years. I can’t say that I’ve gotten the answers to any of them. And yet, God is faithful. I am not without a place to live. I have people who love me. He always provides me with enough money to pay the bills and this year I even had enough for Christmas presents. Those are all huge things that somehow I always trivialize because I compare them to what other people have.
I find myself realizing just how much like the Israelites I really am. I would always read about them and scoff, thinking, “how is it possible that God would bring you through so much and provide you all these miracles, and you’d forget him so quickly?” Ooof. Apparently, I’m not nearly as different from them as I’d like to think. Maybe my last 10-15 years has just been my version of wandering the desert. I acknowledge Him and thank Him in the moment, but then somehow get amnesia and cry out asking where He is and why I’m not able to find Him in my situation. It must be frustrating to constantly have to remind me.
The fact is, at this time last year, I was unable to stand without having a cardiac episode. I was in constant pain, and the anxiety I’ve worked so hard to combat my entire life became as bad as it was when it began. I was seeing a new specialist all the time and honestly cannot even recall what my total is at this point. Since then, I have improved to a relatively normal life. I was able to move back home. I finally made it a month without an ER visit...then I made it two and then three. I decided to try and get involved in theatre again, even not knowing if my body could handle it. It did. I did a summer and a holiday show, and I have three more coming up. I’m booked through July. I’m working with excellent directors and equally amazing casts. I’m starting to believe people when they tell me I have talent and working on getting outside of my comfort zones in all areas of life. I don’t know what all the issues were in my body last year. I know some of them and we worked on treating those, but the rest of the stuff just kind of vanished. I worry about it coming back, but He’s trying to show me that I can’t dwell on that. If I do, I’ll never do anything and I’ll always live in fear. Now I have to focus on fearing regret over failure. It’s easy not to fail if you never try anything, but I want to thrive, not just survive. I want to fly. I can’t fly if I never take a leap. So that’s what I’m doing now. I’m working on leaping. I will always have fear, but I refuse to be a slave to it any longer. I am a child of God.
“You split the sea so I could walk right though it. My fears are drowned in perfect love. You rescued me so I could sing. I am a child of God.”
