Well, here we are at the end of July. Life has been relatively crazy lately...though you'd think I'd be used to that by now.
Our trip to Colorado was lovely. Sadly, the job opportunity didn't work out. I was waiting to hear back from a reference and he emailed me as we were on the plane back to Ohio. It was around midnight, so I figured I'd finish my application first thing in the morning. When I got online to finish it, the position had closed. I was pretty bummed about it, but at least it was obvious that God was closing that door. I'm still considering heading out there at some point, but I'll have to keep an eye out for different opportunities.
I've been thinking recently how I wish that I could go back and speak to myself when I was younger. There are so many things that I would never have believed and/ or might liked to have been prepared for. I'd say, "You'll never believe me, but you survive. You'll survive to graduate high school and even college. Your anxiety will continue to be a daily struggle, but you will endure. You'll take chances you cannot begin to imagine at this moment. You will push yourself beyond what you think you can do and will see some amazing things. Yeah...Europe happens. Always hope. In 12 to 14 years, you'll go out with all those guys you have crazy crushes on right now. Don't even worry about it...they're REALLY not that cool. You'll even go on a "hot date" with the one you're "MADLY in love" with, though it'll be as his fruit fly, as he doesn't actually like girls. Be true to yourself and always set Christ first...it's only when your eyes move from Him that things get complicated. Cancer is coming later, but it's doable. Again, keep your focus on the One who can heal you. Those people who made fun of you in school for your faith come to find the love of Jesus and thank you for the stand you made. You end up working with kids...weird, I know. As difficult as it is/has been, try not to take life for granted...we only have this one and it goes by quickly. Keep moving forward. Breathe."
I'm sure there are a million more things I'd say to me, but those are just things that flowed to my fingers at the moment.
I'm back living in Painesville again. I go home much more frequently than I did when I was living in the other house. I guess I get kind of lonely. It's funny though...the kids come and visit me in the basement all the time. I wonder when kids are going to stop thinking I'm cool. Right now, all the school aged kids are calling me mommy. I took them on a field trip one day and I was the only teacher, so they began pretending I was their mom. It stuck. They still call me mom and hug me every day, even though I'm not their teacher right now.
This past Sunday night was a sad night for me. Star (at Playhouse Square) closed. It's sort of the end of an era. My very first real job was working there. I got my license so that I could work there. I remember going to watch 42nd Street with my friend Amy and she asked if I had ever been there. She said they had the most delicious brie. We went after the show and sat at a little 2 top right in front of the piano. Michael was playing that night. I kept saying that I'd love to sing in a place like that. Amy ended up asking Michael if I could sing. He said sure, but I was terrified. It took me a bit, but I finally got up there and sang Over the Rainbow. It was such a wonderful feeling. Afterward, there were two guys sitting at the table nearest to us who were in the cast of 42nd Street and they told me what a marvelous job I did. I was flattered beyond belief. Michael came up to me later and said he initially thought I was in the show and that's why he had said I was welcome to sing, but since I wasn't I should apply for a job there. I ended up doing just that. I had such a hard time there to be honest. I was an 18 year old in her first job and I was a small town girl in the city. I didn't fit in at all. I was naive and innocent and people tried to take advantage of that. I remember one of my managers talking about my deer in the headlights look during one of my first shifts. It didn't help that the woman training me was terribly mean and one of the female bartenders had it out for me. That being said, I met so many friends and have a crazy amount of GREAT memories attached to that place. One day I should sit and write them out, but there are so many. My favorite one had to be the night that the See Spot Rock concert was at the Palace Theatre. I went alone, but decided I was talking to all the bands afterward and inviting them to come and have dessert. I got the phone numbers of the guys in Gritz and they asked me if I wanted to come hang with them at their hotel instead. So I went to Star to pick up some desserts to go and ended up hanging out with some of the crew members for a bit and then headed over to the hotel. We all hung out on the tour bus for a long time, talking about all the demos that get submitted to them all the time. In the wee hours of the morning, I decided that it was time for me to go and I was almost to the freeway when I got a call and they asked me to turn around and hang out a little longer. Reluctantly, I went back. I mean, how frequently did I get to hang out on tour buses? So, I went back and they said they were in the hotel room. We ended up watching Soul Train and something on Animal Planet with crazy alligators. It was the most ridiculous time. I drove home as the sun was rising and picked up McDonalds for breakfast when I got into Geneva and then went to bed, thinking of how random the night was and I would never have imagined that happening. At some point, I misplaced their contact info...which is too bad, but it's still a fun memory that I have.
Anyway, Charlie and I went at 4 o'clock to have dinner and sat reminiscing about old times. John and Michael were both there, so we had some lovely accompaniment. I was the only real vocalist there, so I was asked to sing over and over again. It's not something I was anticipating, but I was so happy after doing it. I was able to sing the first song I ever sang there one last time. I was also asked to sing I Dreamed A Dream, In My Own Little Corner and For Good. What an incredibly awesome experience. They haven't had singers there for a couple of years, so the mics weren't really working. I ended up using the piano mic and I felt like an old school diva, like Ella Fitzgerald or Nina Simone. Charlie and I did our old Sunday night schedule and went to Union Station afterwards for showtunes (which we ended up being late for). We ended up going to this little place down the road and around the corner from that was this little store that his friend owns. Charlie told me that I needed some bling and he bought me a necklace and earrings. We ended up coming back later so that he could buy himself a ring, and after I helped him find one he liked, he said I needed one, too. I said no, but he found one for me anyway and we took pictures with out hands together like in a wedding photo. I have a problem where I'm not able to form memories the right way. I read that it's a common occurrence in people who were in abusive and traumatic situations as children. Anyway, I have a tendency to not necessarily forget things, but never form the memories of them. I hope that this particular evening is a memory that I'll get to keep.
As far as God is concerned, I keep getting these verses over and over again. I have no idea what God is trying to tell me, but obviously there is something there. Over and over again, I've gotten Romans 8:28, which is, "We know that all things work together for good to those who love Him..." Then, there's Matthew 7:7 which is, "Ask, and it will be given to you..." and then there is Romans 12:5, "So in Christ, we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."
So...God is obviously saying something. I'm just not sure how all of those pieces are supposed to fit together exactly. He'll make me aware in His timing. He always does. At least He's speaking. It's when things are totally silent that I get REALLY frustrated. I suppose that's enough for now. I've done enough rambling for one day.
Song of the day: In My Own Little Corner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojNMRcZTt7I
