Things seem to be going back to that place where nothing goes the right way. That being said, I guess I'm not really sure what the "right" way is anymore. Nothing has ever come easy and most of the time it doesn't matter how hard I try, things still end terribly. I guess that's one of the reasons I stopped trying. I find myself apathetic toward most things.
I am having a difficult time understanding why people who constantly struggle to do what's right are always faced with situations that are so crippling. It's not a question of why bad things happen to good people, it's a question of why constant tribulation is poured upon a group of Godly people...people who really try to find the will of Christ in their lives and to glorify Him in all they do.
I find it difficult to keep my thoughts organized or linear. In fact, most of my thoughts really aren't thoughts at all...they're a jumble of words, pictures and colors. I stare blankly at whatever is before me and wonder why I cannot feel anything...why nothing inspires me to move or even react. Why do I hear and see things, but nothing is absorbed? Why is it that the things that are considered "pleasant" don't seem lasting or real?
It was raining heavily on Monday. It was one of those rains with the big, fat drops and it was still fairly warm. That's the best kind of rain in my opinion. I thought that maybe if I could just go out in that rain that I'd be able to feel something. If I could just stretch out my arms, throw back my head and scream at the sky or cry or something...anything...that the rain would make me feel. I didn't really get much time in the rain. By the time I had gotten home it had pretty much stopped, but before my drive I took plenty of time in getting to my car. I didn't run or hurry in any way. I walked slowly and held my eyes closed trying to concentrate on the heavy drops splashing on my face and the little river around my feet. I wanted to experience the warmth of the air and the chill of the falling water. After all, isn't feeling part of what makes us human? What are we if we are numb to everything? Or I suppose the more appropriate question is, "Who am I".
I've been wanting to write about all of this confusion and frustration. Lyrics, I mean. Somehow this is the first time I've been able to write ANYTHING that makes any kind of sense at all. Or maybe it doesn't, but at least it's formed enough for me to get it from my brain to my fingers to this keyboard. That's a step, I suppose. Maybe if I can write enough, the emptying of my brain will somehow mean the filling of my spirit. I don't like this hollow feeling. It's like I'm a plastic Easter egg. I guess the real similarity between myself and that simile is that we both feel a bit better when filled with chocolate.
I really hate people being cut out of my life. It's one thing I'll never get used to. Obviously, death is terrible and painful, but other times people need to be subtracted just because that's the right thing to do. It's hard and it's awful. I almost find it harder than someone passing, because at least the people who went away didn't WANT to leave me. In these cases, I guess I didn't want to leave either. That certainly would have made it suck less. I am not a fan of difficult/adult decisions. Often times, doing what God asks you to do is much harder than doing what you'd prefer, but I know that He will somehow honor obedience.
My mangled thoughts for today.
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