Day One with Cancer:
It was a rough morning. I had still been thinking about all the events of the day before and trying to comprehend the fact that I had a mass that "could possibly be cancerous". I didn't expect to hear from the doctor yesterday and I certainly didn't expect him to give me the news that he did. "The mass is cancerous. It's not ambiguous." "So we're 100% certain. This is without a doubt cancer?" "Yes." And there it was. My life forever changed with one phone call.
What to do after that? I cried a bit, then sucked it up and called my parents, first my mom, then my dad. My sister happened to be on Facebook, so I spoke with her online. I called my brother and then my sister in law...I called my boyfriend and my boss...each conversation blending into the next. I forgot how much I had told to each person. Then I was alone. I cried some more. I questioned God. I couldn't understand why God would have even made me if He was just going to make me deal with one illness after another for my entire life. Satan was attacking and I was letting him win.
I had decided initially that I needed to go to work. There was no point in staying home and letting myself dwell on the situation. I didn't realize how good that would actually be for me. It was good to be able to talk it out with most of the girls. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful Christian women to support me, one of which just conquered her own cancer. She is going to be an amazing ally in this whole thing. Though I hate that she had to go through it, I'm so grateful knowing that someone genuinely understands.
When I finally got home from work and our staff meeting around 8:45, I was finally able to speak face to face with my parents. Oddly, with my father, that meant sitting for about 10 minutes in total silence. He finally said, "Mom is waiting up for you. You had better go talk to her." I went and just laid next to her in her bed. We finally went over a few things, but honestly, the silence said more, though she did say eventually that she just didn't want me to be alone. Eventually, I let her go to sleep and got ready to make a couple more calls. It was late when I finally was able to speak to Jeremy, but we prayed over everything and by the time I went to bed, things didn't seem as frightening as they had just that morning. The past couple of days had seemed an eternity, but at that moment, I experienced a glimmer of hope. I can...no, I WILL beat this. One day down.
Day Two with Cancer:
I awoke this morning and immediately I thought, "Can we just not do this, please?" I had only gotten about 4 hours of sleep and there were just a lot of things I didn't want to face. Sadly, I knew that wasn't an option. After lingering probably a little bit longer than was wise, I got up and began getting ready to be at work by 6:30.
Once I got to work, I was glad to be there. A certain little man absolutely made my morning. He kept telling me he loved me and told me he prayed for me the night before. One of the little girls was equally as loving. I felt so fortunate to be able to be a part of their lives. One little boy who is usually a little spit-fire came up to me and laid his hands gently on my belly and then took my hand and rubbed it. I was so moved I asked if I could have a hug. He just said "YEAH", gave me a big one and sat back at the breakfast table. It was like he was a different child. He then looked at me and said, "Miss Allison, would you sing us a song?" Teary-eyed, I said I would love to and asked him what song he'd like to sing. I don't know what I expected...maybe Old McDonald or something. Wouldn't you know, he stuck up his pointer finger and said, "The Little Light". He wanted to sing This Little Light of Mine...a song I've taught the kids in music class. It meant so much to me to see that God really IS using me to speak to these children.
God spoke to me frequently today in many different ways. So many songs that I heard seemed to just really fit the situation. "The Arms That Hold the Universe" and then "Held" by Natalie Grant were songs that really helped a lot. I planned on driving to Cleveland to have lunch with one of my girlfriends and was able to stop and see my mom on at work on the way out. Our visit was nice, but brief. I then headed to Cleveland and was completely lost when trying to get to tower city. We had a lovely lunch at Zoup and were able to catch up on some lost time. After that I was able to meet Jeremy and spend some time really dealing with the situation. I feel very blessed to be loved by a man such as him. I know he's going to be a huge support system for me. Unfortunately, he also got some unfortunate news today which threw another wrench into everything. On the other hand, we serve a God that is greater than our circumstances and with as much work as He's done in the past two days, I feel certain that He's just doing a cleansing on both of our lives. Oddly, with as dark as things are right now, I feel more optimistic about things than I have in a while. I really do believe God is working in these things. He's already giving me a peace about it. I think that's pretty significant.
During my time in Cleveland, I had missed a call to schedule some appointments. When I met Jeremy, I called back and ended up dealing with some of the most ignorant women ever. After telling the woman I had cancer, she told me the first available appointment would be on June 9th. (Let's just remind everyone that today is April 27th.) I restated that I had CANCER and that I was pretty sure my doctor wanted me in a little earlier than that. She got defensive and said, "Well that's the first thing open!" I asked if I was able to choose another surgeon who might have something earlier, to which her response was, "They obviously added this surgeon because they wanted you to see HIM and not someone else!" Exhausted from arguing, I finally said, "Ok, ma'am, go ahead and schedule me for that spot and if you wouldn't mind bumping me up if someone cancels, I'd appreciate it." I hung up the phone and called the doctor I've been dealing with. THANKFULLY, in his office there were some civilized people! I was leaving a message with a woman named Donna and she said, "Wait...what's this surgery for?" "To remove colon cancer." "Umm...you can't wait until June 9th." "That's EXACTLY why I was calling. Is there anything we can do about that?" "Yeah, let me check the schedules of the other surgeons." I SO appreciate people who do their job and do it well. Donna was so helpful and when she suggested one surgeon I asked immediately if I could schedule with him since my brother had recommended him. We went ahead and got the CTs AND the consult for the same morning! I'll be headed back to the CC next Thursday and when we're all done, we should have the knowledge of how they'll be removing the cancer and how much they'll have to remove. I feel like that's a good start.
I was a little broken hearted to come home and find out that my father had been crying about things again. He refuses to talk about things. I really don't want him to have to cope alone. I know I won't be able to. I pray that the Lord gives him strength. Aside from that moment of disappointment and the other bit of bad news that was delivered, it honestly was a really good day. God was obviously working and He was sending peace in waves. Though this morning I didn't want to wake up and tackle the day, He has given me the strength to say at the end of the day, "I can do this! I'm going to beat this!" The God I serve is bigger than cancer and He's bigger than death. Praise the Lord!
I got this...it's in the bag. As I told my "Lion" today, "I'm a cancer ninja!"
The Lord nurses them when they are sick and restores them to health. Psalm 41:3
Day Two with Cancer: OWNED
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