Day Forty-One with Cancer

Day Forty-One with Cancer/Day Twenty-Two without Cancer:

I admit, I'm still feeling much the way I did last night.  I didn't want to wake up this morning.  It didn't seem like there was much reason to wake up anyway, so I didn't.  I slept and I read my Bible.  Around 12:30, I finally got up and got ready to go to work.  Yes, today was my first day back at work.

I had a short shift at PCA today.  I was just in the office, so at least I didn't have to worry about the kids much.  It was good for me I think.  It kept me distracted for a while and it was nice to be able to talk to people I haven't seen in a few weeks.  All the hugs from the kids didn't hurt much either. :)  I can't believe their graduation is on Wednesday.  That seems altogether too fast.  I should probably try to go, but I know that's going to be a day that I try to take letters to all the businesses.  I made some calls.  I was able to schedule my follow up appointment with Dr. Vogel and I called the Oncology department, so hopefully that can be scheduled asap.

As soon as I walked out of the building, the reality of everything hit me once again.  Just the fact that we're even talking about chemo again is really upsetting to me.  Kelly and I had discussed the situation of the 11 yr old with cancer.  Apparently, she may have to go back into the hospital.  She's having more pain where she was complaining of it initially.  That just breaks my heart.  I want to help her.  I want to help the people that I met while I was in the hospital.  How do I do that?  I'm not a surgeon...I can't take away their cancer. What can I possibly do for them?  It's just so upsetting to me.  I feel so helpless.

When I got home, I just kinda sat and stared blankly.  It seemed there was nothing to do...nothing to say. I just don't know how to make anything better.  I made myself some scrambled eggs for dinner and sat with mom and dad for a while.  I read my Bible for a while and then spent a good time in tears.  Once the tears turned into a migraine, I knew it was time for bed.  My head was on my pillow and my eyes were closed, but the tears kept coming.  I pled with the Lord to open my eyes and help me to see.  Please, Lord, show me what to do.

Song of the Day: Astonishing-Little Women the Musical
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWV5jnVKrvg

Verse of the Day: Job 19:25
I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.