What a freaking hard day. Today has honestly been the first day that I just couldn't keep it together since the beginning of all of this.
I woke up and got ready to head to church early. I was going to sing with the praise team today and we needed to practice. I always seem to have difficulty, cause Shiloh and I instinctively sing the same part and I'm not bright enough to come up with another harmony part. So much for my musical background.
Our friend, Wes, came to church today. What a pleasant surprise. He is such a great guy. It was a great sermon and it was extra cool because Pastor Terry was preaching again after his surgery and I was able to sing again after mine. The Lord has been doing a lot in our church.
I hung out for a little bit and spoke with Jenny and she called me on the way home. Apparently, someone had read the article about me in the Star Beacon and wanted to make a donation. I had completely forgotten about the article being released today. Mom stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up a few. We read them together when she got back. It was really weird. Half of the stuff they quoted me as saying in the article was NEVER said. I mean, I guess it could have been worse, but I sounded kind of stupid and redundant, not to mention one of those scary kinds of christians. The picture made me really look sick. I was very pale (which I guess I am right now) and you could really see the huge, dark circles under my eyes. I dunno...maybe that was their goal. They were thinking if they played up that I was sick then people would donate. Unfortunately, that's not what I wanted. I wanted people to know how fortunate I was for things being caught so early. I was really blessed with the way things happened. I wanted people to know how awesome all the local businesses have been to donate items for the benefit. I wanted people to see how incredible it is when a community bands together to help a "friend" in need...even if they don't really know her. There's a whole (SUPER REDUNDANT) "quote" at the end about life being beautiful. First of all, if you knew me, you'd know right off that I'd never say something like that. Frankly, life frequently sucks. I tell it like it is. Often, life is just plain crappy. However, that being said, the God who created that life and created me, gave me the tools to cope. He doesn't let me become satisfied with this life, because this is NOT my home. He's given me a hope and a future though. He's given me joy. He's given me a lot more than beauty. So I know that when life isn't so sun-shiney, I have a Savior to go to. It may not be "beautiful", but it can be peaceful regardless of the circumstances.
That being said, this afternoon/evening was a time with little of that. It's been the first time that I've just felt helpless and ready to give up. A lot of the issues are silly, personal things, but the fact that I have to schedule a meeting with an Oncologist to talk about chemo (after I thought all that part was done) is disappointing. I'm feeling extreme guilt over something that is silly and I have no control over, but I feel like God should have given me the worse diagnosis than the 11 yr. old I spoke of in earlier blogs. I know I can handle whatever comes. I've been through a lot in my 26 years. She shouldn't have to grow up as fast as I did. I didn't want to have kids anyway and now she doesn't even have that option. I know things are frequently unfair, but it just should have been me instead. I spent hours crying and asking God what His plan is. In my limited sight, I just can't see the purpose.
Song of the Day: I Am Changing-Dreamgirls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4VwhQlf1cc&feature=related
Verse of the Day: 2 Corinthians 4:17
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
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