Day Eight with Cancer:
My CTs were this morning. Oh, how I wished I could just continue sleeping. I seriously was not looking forward to being poked and prodded and having to lay inside a creepy, loud machine. Thankfully, my mom and my sister went with me to provide some much needed comic relief. We all had to drive separately and meet up in Painesville, because I was still planning on going to work afterward. We drove to Willoughby and had no idea which building I needed to go to, since I left my paperwork at home. I'm sure it was amusing to anyone watching us go around and around the buildings. Once we found out where we were supposed to be, we went and waited...and waited. I finally was rewarded for all that waiting by a large canister of "prep". After drinking 4 liters of salt water last week, I was really not excited about having to do this, but I have to admit, this one was significantly better. First of all, it wasn't nearly as much. Secondly, it was flavored like a lemonade, (albeit a nasty one). I shared a toast with the gentleman next to me and downed it as fast as I was able. In the meantime, Sarah and mom kept me company and told me entertaining stories. Sarah was telling me about listening to the radio and hearing these people from the Netherlands talking about the song "Barbara Streisand" and saying it with a weird accent. I guess it wasn't so much that THOSE people were saying it, but the radio personality trying to impersonate them. We couldn't stop giggling. I told Sarah that at least I'd have something to distract me while I was in that machine. I wouldn't be able to stop thinking of that.
Before long I was called in. The woman taking care of everything seemed nice, but the way she put my IV in sucked a little bit more than usual. I'll admit that it hurt. Then, of course, there's the actual test. I hate them. I don't know of anyone who doesn't. I ended up just keeping my eyes closed the whole time. I found myself praying for the man I had clinked glasses with in the waiting room. I had no idea why he was getting his CT. I was praying that it wasn't for anything similar. I also ended up singing "Single Ladies"...I'm not sure why that was stuck in my head.
Afterward, we headed to Bob Evans. Mom was telling us on the way there how the girls at work were explaining "sharting" to her. Sarah and I were laughing hysterically. There's something about hearing it come out of your mother's mouth that makes it much more funny. She also cracked us up with the fact that she kept calling the smaller pancakes "sidekicks" instead of "sidecakes". I kept imagining Robin or something...maybe Moist from Dr. Horrible.
We had to run to Aunt Deb's store to check on a sofa, and then they dropped me back at my car so I could get to work on time. I ran in the bathroom to change and had realized just before that I didn't bring any shoes. I looked like a major tool wearing my dress clothes and my black converse. Thank the Lord I was working the office and no one was really going to notice my feet. I received an email notification on my phone that I had a new test result on mychart.com. I checked it and was slightly upset. I wasn't sure if I knew what it meant, so I figured that I'd just wait until Thursday. Jeremy sent it to his best friend who's in his residency and asked him to translate it. What they had said was that they're pretty positive that it's stage two (outside of the colon wall and into the surrounding tissue) and that it's probably stage three since I have an enlarged lymphnode near the area. This means that I'm probably going to have to have chemo. Of course, they won't know anything for certain until they open me up. That's not exactly reassuring. I really thought that it would be contained and that I wouldn't need chemo. Needless to say, I was upset. I ended up crying at work. I had just made plans with Shiloh and Andrea to go out with the people from small group and at that point I wasn't really wanting to be with anyone.
I finally decided to go with them to Quaker Steak and Lube. I didn't feel like going, but I knew it would help me to forget about it and I wasn't sure what to tell my parents if they asked about the results. The girls were awesome at helping me to think of other things. Another thing that helped was having three little ones there. They helped to keep my attention on other things. I got a huge wrap with this spicy ranch in it and loaded fries. That was a lot of food by itself, but I decided I was going to eat an entire enormous dessert by myself. The girls kept telling me how proud they were, but they kicked some serious tail themselves at the all you can eat wings. I for real LOVE my girls that can put it away. There's nothing quite as awesome as a girl who's not afraid to EAT!
I ended up leaving earlier than most everyone. I wanted to make sure I could get home and tell my parents what I had found out...even if it was going to be hard. I was lucky I didn't get in a wreck on the way home. I was trying so hard not to fall asleep. When I DID get home and tell them, my dad said he was kind of relieved. That wasn't what I was expecting from him. I certainly didn't feel that way. We're all just trying to remember that they don't know for sure and that we're all going to have to wait until they get in there. I just wish we had a few more answers. I tried to talk to Jeremy on the phone, but I pretty much passed out right after that. "Heigh ho the glamorous life."
Day Eight: Discouraging
Song of the Day: Wait and See (Even though this isn't one of my favorite songs, He really ISN'T finished with me yet. There's a reason for all of this and there IS hope for me yet!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=typAqPJ-Zn8
Verse of the Day: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I don't know what His plans are for me, but it's good to know that at least He does. :)
Day Nine with Cancer:
I passed out shortly after getting home last night. I still had on my jeans and shirt from work. I was completely exhausted. I ended up sleeping about 12 hours. I probably could have kept going. This crap is keeping me fairly exhausted a good amount of the time. I woke up and got a text about coming into work 40 minutes early. That's good for me since hours have been cut back the past couple of weeks. It's bad for me because I'm with the toddlers. I swear, I cannot be with that class. The screaming, hitting each other, throwing toys at other children's heads, food EVERYWHERE, the inability to get down the hallway, the inability to stay on a cot, the boogers, snot, saliva, dirty diapers...I just can't do it...and ESPECIALLY not now. It's just too much. I miss my 3s. They still got me sick all the time, but at least I could TEACH that class. This one takes everything out of me just trying to get them corralled. I need a sheepdog or something. Thankfully, it got a little better after I lost a couple kids. I stopped to talk to Pastor briefly before I left. Since tomorrow is my appointment with the surgeon AND National Day of Prayer, I figured we could just load up on the prayer. :)
Upon getting home tonight, I jumped online to do a little research on cancer resources. There are quite a few of them. I think I'm going to have to go back and do all of it again and this time have a notebook. I suppose I should head to bed. Tomorrow morning is going to be busy and stressful. There is some anxiety already, even though I have a pretty good idea of what he's going to tell me. Hopefully we'll get everything scheduled tomorrow and it'll be early next week so that I won't have much time to think about it. This part is REALLY going to suck, but I have an awesome family, fantastic friends, an amazing boyfriend and a God who heals the sick and makes all things new. I've got this in the bag...even if there are a few tears in the process.
Day Nine: Determined
Song of the Day: Dear Ex
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZBEFFWnX7c
Verse of the Day: My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)
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